Last day of 2008

2008 has been a year of hope, a year of healing and a year of restoration. I have a couple of new favorite quotes:
1. "Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." Virginia Satir.
2. "We are all broken and wounded in this world. Some choose to grow strong at the broken places." Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt. He was not the first to talk about being strong at the broken places. Ernest Hemingway, a very broken soul himself, is quoted "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."

In 2008 I have seen a lot of sadness, a lot of brokenness. I have also seen strength and courage, determination and healing. From members of my own family, to close friends, to people I don't even know, I've seen the pain of loss, but I've also seen the light of hope; the struggle to be strong at the broken places.

So as 2008 comes to a close, I'd like to share the following story, written by Rabbi Harold M. Schulweis

"We have seen Yitzhak Perlman who walks the stage with braces on both legs, on two crutches.

He takes his seat, unhinges the clasps of his legs, tucking one leg back, extending the other, laying down his crutches, placing the violin under his chin.

On one occasion one of his violin strings broke. The audience grew silent but the violinist did not leave the stage. He signaled the maestro, and the orchestra began its part. The violinist played with power and intensity on only three strings.

With three strings, he modulated, changed and recomposed the piece in his head, he retuned the strings to get different sounds, turned them upward and downward.

The audience screamed delight, applauded their appreciation. Asked later how he had accomplished this feat, the violinist answered, It is my task to make music with what remains.

A legacy mightier than a concert. Make music with what remains. Complete the song left for us to sing, transcend the loss, play it out with heart, soul and might, with all remaining strength within us."

A year after treatment

Oct 5 was the 1 year anniversary of my last chemo treatment. To celebrate, John and I walked in the ACS Making Strides Against Breast Cancer - 1st Annual walk in Everett. (Not really to celebrate, it just happened to be on the same day) Next year I hope to plan ahead a little better and have a team. It always amazes me to see so many people united to fight breast cancer.

We also measured my hair. I've always heard that hair grows about 6 inches a year. My hair used to grow faster than average, so I was pretty disappointed when it only measured 5 inches. John reminded me that it didn't start growing the next day, it took awhile to get going. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I am very thankful that I HAVE hair!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month - so CHECK YOUR BOOBIES! Or for you husbands out there...Save a life - grope your wife. Save the TaTas.

Just a little suggestion - don't schedule your mammogram on or even around your birthday. I have heard of so many people who have, for some it was their first mammogram at age 40, and they find out they have cancer. It's really not something you want to associate with your birthday! Of course, sometimes the timing can't be helped. I had my biopsy on Valentines day, the next day was John's birthday, then the next day I got my diagnosis. Oh well.

Rebel with a cause...and the bucket list.

Yes, that's me on my Honda Rebel motorcycle, complete with pink ribbons. Why, you ask? Well, John has wanted a bike since he was about 12 years old, and with the rising gas prices, he finally had a good excuse to get one. He has the perfect commute for it and has really been enjoying his rides. But it's really not "me" to be a "bird" (biker talk) and ride behind him on his bike, so I had to get one of my own. I'm not as into it as he is, but he got SCUBA certified for me (and now he loves diving) so I got my motorcycle license for him. Our first trip was to San Juan Island in August. To get to the ferry, we had to ride up Hwy 20, which was a little nerve wracking, especially since in our motorcycle safety class, we had never gone faster than 15 mph. All of a sudden I had to go 50-55 mph with cars and trucks and...yikes! I was very thankful that Brian, Sharon and Nick were following us in their car. I knew they had my six! We've gone on a couple other fun rides, sticking to the back roads as much as possible.

Not too long ago, we watched the movie The Bucket List. I thought it was just going to be about two old guys living it up before they got too old and kicked the bucket. So it was a rude awakening to discover they both had cancer. Regardless, I think creating a bucket list is something everyone should do, not that I've gotten mine started yet. (I did tell John that for my 50th birthday, which will also be my 5 year survivor anniversary, I want to go skydiving. I don't know that he'll be joining me for that one, since he doesn't even like roller coaster drops.) My attitude has changed a bit since my diagnosis. I'm more willing to do things that might be considered "dangerous". I still have a very healthy sense of fear, but I'm trying not to let that keep me from doing things I want to do. Like the song says, "Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying".

I was going to stop there - but that song has a phrase that really touched me. Maybe because it wasn't what I was expecting. When I heard the word "forgiveness" from the man in his 40's, facing his own mortality, I expected him to be asking for forgiveness. But instead, he says "I gave forgiveness I'd been denying". I GAVE forgiveness. I had never really thought about it that way before and I found the concept very interesting. Whether you have faced cancer or not, life is too precious and way too short to be burdened by having an unforgiving spirit.

Happy July 5th

Today I am 9 months status post chemo. My hair is now 3 1/4" long. Wow. So exciting I can't do anything with it, but at least I have it. I have the typical aches and pains of someone my age, but am feeling good. I'm enjoying jogging again. I'm also enjoying eating again, which I need to keep in check. I missed berry season last year, so I'm eating as many berries as I can. Yum! Hope you are having a good summer!

Luminaria Ceremony

Around 10:00pm the luminaria candles are lit. They are in white bags, lining the inside of the track. Some of the bags are decorated. Some just have a name. Some are "in honor of"...some are "in memory of"...and some are "in support of" someone still fighting. (The bags in the picture above are for each of my brothers.) As the ceremony begins, a hush falls over the whole field. You can hear people quietly talking, and the sound of people continually walking around the track. John and I weren't scheduled to walk until 5 a.m. the next morning, so we went home for a short night.

We were back bright and early to for our turn, from 5 to 6:30. It was raining for awhile. Wisely, we had brought rain gear. (In the Pacific Northwest there is no such thing as bad weather...only inappropriate clothing) We heard that the night had been a bit wild, with wind and rain, so I guess we were lucky. When it was time to hand off the baton, we did a little more walking...to a near-by Starbucks. There was a team from the marines (ooo-rah) who were making authentic dog tags, so John got me one. The inscription says "Terri and John Eggers 6/7/8 Relay for Life Oak Harbor WI (Whidbey Island, not Wisconsin). We stayed for the rest of the day, cheering, supporting and experiencing. I walked again from noon to 1. John was conveniently at the hospital. Just before the closing ceremonies, the booths quickly disappeared. There were people walking right up until the last minute. Incredible. Our team leader got the award for most enthusiastic. By closing ceremonies, Relay for Life North Whidbey had deposited $176,400 in the bank. Just $8,600 short of the $185,000 goal for this year - and the deadline isn't until August 31. Thank you for your donations!

Life is so unpredictable and precious. Two years ago, Ted was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, M3. Two emotional, stressful and painful months later, he passed away. Which brings back to my memory a previous blog...CANCER SUCKS! I have a new appreciation for organizations like the American Cancer Society that is working towards better screening, better treatments, longer survival times, and hopefully ultimately a cure. Wouldn't that be awesome.

Relay for Life

The t-shirts say: Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back. John and I participated in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life, North Whidbey this past weekend. We were honored to be part of the experience. The Relay begins with a "Survivor" lap. It was amazing to be "in" a sea of purple shirts. Directly ahead of me was a man with a little boy on his shoulders, both were wearing survivor shirts. I was constantly wondering what each person's story was. They are all so different, and yet they all have cancer in common. After the survivor lap, the Relay starts in earnest. There were 84 teams. The idea is to have a team member walking (or running) on the track all the time, from about 6:00 on Friday evening, to 3:30 on Sabbath afternoon. When night comes, we don't stop, because cancer doesn't stop. Booths, representing the teams, line both the inside and outside of the track. They often have food or fun things for sale to add to the donations. Many people are cheering the walkers on.

another check-up

The picture is of John and me at Keystone with SCUBA instructor Bob after John's check-out dives. They thought he should get the prize for most persistent, since it was 3 years ago that he started his first class. A ruptured eardrum prevented him from finishing. Then he tried again, but wasn't able to finish because of work. Before he could reschedule I was diagnosed, so it got put on hold for another year. But he is now a certified open water diver. Yea!

I attend a support group, and this month 3 of us had just had check-ups the previous week. The emotions it brings up can be quite overwhelming. I had been having some issues with my neck, so ended up having chest x-ray, C-spine and neck CT. Everything looked fine. So another 4 months.

Someone asked me if I think about it (cancer) every day. It's kind of hard not to, especially with the visual of the scars. And while I know I haven't gone a day without thinking about it, it doesn't consume my time or attention like it used to. There are times when emotionally you have to bring it out and deal with it (like around check-up times). Then you put it away , hoping it will be a long time before you have to pull it out again.

John and I went to Monterey Bay Academy for alumni weekend (John's 30th. I know, it's hard to believe!). During church, a drama called "Stepping Into the Ring", written by Nicole Johnson was presented. I had not ever heard of it, and had no idea it was about breast cancer. It is a very intense presentation. And with my own diagnosis and treatment being so recent, much of the dialog was hitting me very hard, as hard as the punches that were being portrayed on stage. When it concluded, I was sitting there totally dazed. It was then that John returned. He had slipped out to use the restroom, and had missed the whole thing.

I had another "first". Cindy trimmed my hair. She shaped it up a bit, being very careful not to take very much off. I get compliments on it often, which is very nice. But as I told John today, I'm looking forward to having a pony-tail again!'

Next weekend John and I will be participating in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life here in Oak Harbor. I'm not sure quite what to expect. It should prove to be an interesting 24 hours.

This post is actually being "posted" May 31, at around 11:30 pm.

Time flies...life in pictures

A lot has happened since I last blogged, and I haven't had much time for DEEP THOUGHTS, or pretty much thoughts of any kind, so this one will be more informational. We took a ski vacation to Silver Star in Vernon, BC, for my mom's 70th birthday. She skied all three days and did great! After we got back, we helped Ryan move back to Walla Walla where he is teaching a couple classes in engineering. Very cool! We picked up Cindy's dog Rambo to watch for a couple weeks, and the first morning he treed our cat, Shadow. Just had to throw that picture in.

On Thursday (Apr 3) I had what should be my last surgery for reconstruction. All went well and I was home by late afternoon. I am again wrapped Victor/Victoria-ish and am looking forward to unwrapping on Sunday.

Today I am celebrating my 6 month anniversary from the end of chemo. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was chemo sick, and other times it seems like a lifetime ago. Of course my hair (or lack of it) is a pretty major reminder that it wasn't that long ago! Except for recovering from surgery again, I am feeling well. I think it's about time. I have plants that need planting, (if it would ever stop raining; our ground is so saturated that a pair of mallards has taken up residence in a puddle on our grass and in the pond. Seriously.) and many other things we've had to put off doing for way too long. I am soaking in the renewing spirit of spring, physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually.

Another first

I had another "first" the other day. I was outside doing yard work and actually felt the wind blowing thru my hair. It was awesome! I haven't worn a wig or hat in awhile and it's nice not having to mess with them! But it's still a little intimidating. I try not to think about it. In January my nephew Matt saw me and said "I see your hair is growing in...it makes you look like a boy" and just kept right on going. Nothing like a kid to keep you humble!

My fingernails are getting very long and they really need to be cut, but emotionally it's very hard to do after so many months of having hardly any nails at all. I recently lost most of both of my big toenails. Not sure why they are so far behind the fingernails. Takes longer for the chemo to get to them? Who knows. I'm just hoping they'll grow in before sandal season!

Cancer Sucks!

This shirt says it all!

The river

The following is an analogy that I feel is worth sharing. I am quoting from a breast cancer survivors blog. It will give you a glimpse into the thoughts of most, if not all, cancer survivors.

"Someone likened having cancer to getting in a raft on a river. Once you are on the river you can never get off. Sometimes the river has rapids, and even waterfalls. Some people get knocked out of their raft, not able to make it back in their boat. Some people ride through turbulent waters, their boats rock but do not capsize. So far, this is my story. And what lies ahead on my river? I pray, like every other survivor, that ahead is nothing but smooth slow quiet waters with only the boulders of check-ups...to paddle around. Maybe there is white-water ahead. And maybe the doctors and I will both be experienced enough to make it through just fine. I will have help from those in the water with me. I will have support from those still on dry land. I am never allowed to get off the river completely. So I will make it an adventure!"

So Cal

These are pictures from trips to see Lindsey and Jason.

Pictures

I have some pictures I'd like to share, and because this site doesn't have slide-show capabilities, I'll just share them in several different posts.

We hiked up Mt. Constitution on San Juan Island. It was a beautiful day! You can drive to the top...but John has always wanted to hike it. We started at 1000ft altitude, then hiked UP 1100 vertical feet in 1.2 miles. We ran into snow. Hadn't expected that! There were some nice views on the way up that you can't seen from the road. And what an awesome view from the top. Tired of trudging thru snow, we walked back down the road.

Feb 28 - a first

Brave, brave, brave...I went "out" without anything on my head, except of course, my hair. I only went to the post office. Our tiny, little post office. But I did it.

Survivor

Happy Birthday to my special husband John.

According to Livestrong, you become a survivor the day you are diagnosed. I recently passed the one year anniversary of my diagnosis of breast cancer. Every day is a new blessing that I am very thankful for. My belief in a loving, trustworthy God; the beauty that surrounds me in nature; the love of family and friends; the joy of new friends; all these things I'm thankful for. There is a special lady named Laura who by her example, is giving me the courage to uncover my head. You have to understand that I have pretty much always had long hair. In fact, I was born with longer hair than I have right now. So it is a bit difficult for me. But I'm getting there.

Surgery

My first reconstruction surgery in Bellingham went fine. They have this cool patient tracking system for the people who are waiting. Looks kind of like the airlines arrival and departure boards. You track the patient with a number, and as they progress thru the pre-op/surgery/recovery etc the line changes color. And when it's done, they take you up to a room where the doctor can tell you, privately, how things went. If you leave the waiting area, you take an Olive Garden type pager with you in case they need to find you.

Back in my room, they hooked me up to a PCA pump, where essentially you self medicate yourself with morphine (up to a limit). I wasn't in a terrible amount of pain, but I was pushing the button. When I got up to use the restroom, and had to unplug and take my IV pole with me, we discovered that the morphine line hadn't even been hooked to my IV, so when I was pushing the button, it was medicating the floor. The nurse felt bad! She said I could hit her.

John had to go to work Friday morning, so Mom and Dad came and picked me up and brought me home. Slept all afternoon, most of the evening and all night. I'm wrapped like a mummy. I feel like Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoria. I get to unwrap on Sunday and take a shower. But I need to keep wrapped up until the 29th when I get my stitches out. At least I don't have drains to deal with. Ta-ta for now.

Checking up

First of all, my hair is about as long as John's. But it has come in just as straight as it has always been (a lot of people's comes in different at first). So while it is just as long, his looks longer because it's curly and sticks up off his head. It is also not the color I was hoping for...but it will be before I go "public" with it. I don't have to fill in my eyebrows as much anymore. And my eyelashes, while not being very long, are long enough to put mascara on. Yea for hair.

Tuesday I had my first "check-up" with my oncologist. I have kept myself busy, and haven't allowed myself to stress out about it too much. But as the Cancer Care Center building came into view, I suddenly got this overwhelming impulse to turn around and run. I hadn't really expected that. I was okay once I got inside and saw familiar faces of the various infusion nurses that had cared for me. I did not, however, go near the infusion room. The check-up went fine. So far so good.

Now onto the next step. I have pondered whether or not to write about this on the blog. But it was breast cancer...and I did have mastectomies...and I do not want to remain a pirate's dream. So I did see a plastic surgeon and I will be getting what from now on I will be referring to as "ta-ta's" (thanks to ventriloquist Jeff Dunham and Peanut). So once again I will be going under the knife. I'm freaking out just a bit. My last two surgeries have been at a place that I am familiar with and people know my husband. For whatever reason, that has been comforting. This time it will be unknown. It is scheduled for Thursday 1-17. I should be home the next day. Every time I just get feeling good and can jog again, something sets me back - but only temporarily.