Sabbath Aug 25

My infusions the last two weeks have gone smoothly. In and out pretty fast. Lindsey accompanied me. I had her take a picture so you can see how I've been spending my Tuesdays for the last 5 months. The room is bright and airy with large windows overlooking the "Healing Garden". We have large comfy recliners. In the picture, though you can't really see it, I'm hooked up thru the port in my chest. The good news is I only have 5 more infusions!

Last weekend Ryan, Michael and Ashley were here. On Sabbath we went out on a small boat to go whale watching, although we knew the orcas were not in the area. We saw lots of sea birds, seals (one eating a salmon), and a minke whale. It was a calm day and it was just nice being out on the water. That evening we celebrated Ryan's 22nd birthday.

Only 2 weeks until the wedding. Yikes!

Hope

As many of you know, today is the one year anniversary of the death of my brother Ted. It is still so hard. After what happened to him, lately I haven't had a very positive attitude about my own disease. And I want very much to have a positive attitude, for my own sake and for the sake of those around me.

I was reading in The Desire of Ages this morning, the chapter "The Centurion" which includes the story of Jesus raising a widow's son (Luke 7:11-17). She ends the chapter quoting 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 which I found very comforting. "Our friends, we want you to know the truth about those who have died, so that you will not be sad, as are those who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will take back with Jesus those who have died believing in Him...So then, encourage one another with these words" (Good News Bible).

Someone I have met only twice gave me a beautiful bell with the word "hope" written on it in several languages. Webster's defines hope as "desire with expectation of fulfillment". This word means a lot to me right now, both in relation to my brother, and where I am at in my own journey.

I am thankful that I have hope.

Count down #8 and fatigue

After an uneventful weekend (except for John who was in the hospital most of the weekend delivering babies) fatigue hit me on Monday. Why, I don't know, but it did. On Tuesday Lindsey was giving her project presentation, so John went with me to my infusion. Once again, towards the end I was the only person in the room. Nice and quiet. The fatigue continued Wednesday and Thursday. Today I have a bit more energy, even vacuumed and cleaned a bit. Lindsey had her last day of school at Rosario on Thursday. That went by unbelievably fast! After many cloudy days, we finally got some sun today. If it holds, we'll spend the weekend sitting on the porch! That may be all the energy I have.

2/3's of the way thru!

Counting down infusion #9. I almost didn't get it because of my blood work. My ANC was too low because my white count was down. So back to taking a few shots this week. Hopefully it'll come back up and stay up. I also had to have another shot to get my red blood cells going. My hematocrit is down to 30 (started out at 43.5). No wonder I feel so tired. Afterwards Lindsey and I went and tasted wedding cake and got that ordered. One more thing down.

On Wednesday Lindsey and I, and Dr. Cowles went to Double Bluff and Freeland Beaches to look for varnish clams for Lindsey's project for her class. She is seeing if there are pea crabs in the clams. We had gone to Long Point a week ago, had dug up 50 clams, and there were no pea crabs. Took us awhile to find 50 clams at Double Bluff. Found them very quickly at Freeland. Dr. Cowles got some ghost shrimp that he was after. Later I measured the clams, and Lindsey cut them open and looked for the crabs. There were crabs in most of the clams from Double Bluff, but only 2 crabs in 1 clam from Freeland. They are tiny little soft crabs that live inside the clams. In case you are interested, the varnish clam is an invasive species to our area. Lindsey did her senior project on them.

Last weekend Ryan, Michael and Ashley came. We went kayaking on Sabbath evening out in the cove. Oh, Tim came too. Then on Sunday the first 3 tore down the fort (it was falling apart) and Tim worked on the waterfall. Almost finished. Slowly but surely things are coming together.

John is on call this weekend, and is in doing the 4th delivery of the day. Hopefully that will be it for the weekend.

Have a good weekend and a Happy Sabbath.

Some days are diamonds...some days are stones

Infusion #10 was very different from last week. Almost every chair was full. The waiting was not too bad. I see my oncologist every other week, so I did see him. Lindsey and I had several errands to do afterwards, so didn't get home until late.

I am doing better on the Abraxane, but the last couple of days have been reminiscent of the old medication. Nausea and fatigue are worse. I read in a magazine a colorful description of "locked in an embrace with the toilet".

Deep thoughts: When I was first diagnosed, I had thoughts of having the surgery, getting thru the treatment and getting back to normal. But as I have had some time to ponder, there is no such thing as "getting back to normal" after this kind of diagnosis. There are books written about it. In fact I have one in the bookshelf that I need to start reading. It's entitled "After Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment". It will be a long time before my hair is as long as it was before it fell out. I don't know if my fingernails will ever be the same. My mastectomy and port scars will be a constant reminder. What is normal, anyway?

On a lighter note, it's always an entertaining adventure to go out into public. First, depending on where I am going, I have to decide whether it's a worthy enough trip for boobs and hair. Earlier on, it was easy just to forgo the boobs and just wear a coat. But the warmer weather has made it much harder to hide. And I rarely wear hair. Mostly I wear a bandanna and a hat. John likes it better. I tried a nice scarf a couple of weeks ago, but it just kept sliding around and feeling like it was falling off. I guess I shouldn't be so vain. Most people probably don't even notice. How many people are that observant? In the past I have noticed women with really short haircuts and thought that it didn't look really feminine. But now what I think is, are they just getting over some sort of treatment? Funny how perceptions change.

John is finally coming in from mowing the lawn again. It's after 9 o'clock.

#11

Had a really weird infusion day this week. Most of the time Lindsey and I were the only ones there. We had the whole place to ourselves. Things clicked along nicely and we got in and out as quickly as is possible. On Wednesday Cindy and Marion came to see me. They brought food for both lunch and supper. Thanks! I'm feeling a lot better on this new chemo, Abraxane. I still have some nausea, but if I'll take my meds it is controllable. I am feeling tired. The oncologist said that the fatigue is cumulative. But I am still walking most days and I do some Pilates to hopefully keep my muscles strong.

It is 9:25 and John is still out mowing the lawn. It is supposed to rain the next few days, so he really wants to get it done. Fortunately, it's still light enough! The fun of living in the Pacific Northwest.

Second Half

After this last week of Cytoxan, I am finally half way thru my treatments. And now instead of starting at 1 and counting up to 12, I've decided I want to do it in the count-down mode instead. So this first week of Abraxane is #12. Lindsey went with me again. She got a bit of studying done as we were there for almost 5 hours. Had to declot my port again...then waited to see the oncologist...then waited to mix the chemo. It was a long day. I have felt pretty good, but then had nausea and vomiting and total exhaustion last night. Today has been better. My fingers are really sore. It'll take them a little time to heal from the Cytoxan.

Tim came and worked on the waterfall again. He didn't get it finished, but he did get it flowing. It is really nice to look at and to listen to. So progress is being made.

Let the count-down begin!